


A hero's life

by Bacner



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ant-Man and the Wasp, Dinosaurs, Gen, Humor, Intended Humor, Lady Hawkeye, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Heroes, OC, Post-Civil War, Robbery, Spider-Man - Freeform, pre-Infinity Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bacner/pseuds/Bacner
Summary: Just a day in life of Marvel heroes...





	A hero's life

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: all characters are Marvel here. Except for mine.

“Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can – swings a web any size, catches thieves just like flies!” Peter Parker, aka the Spider-Man in question, sang as he swung himself through the city, happy to be finally back from whatever not-so-happy-Hell that Thanos had sent him and his friends during the Infinity War. “Beep-beep! Whenever there’s a man-a, when you do need a man-a, you find the Spider-Man-a!”

A loud alarm sound (a literal alarm sound) interrupted Spider-Man’s impromptu singing session, (to the disappointment of the local cats, who just assumed that he was one of them), but the re-lief of attic rats, bats and pigeons…for largely the same reasons. Spider-Man was talented and a genius in his own right, but a singer? Not so much. 

…In any case, Spider-Man altered his web-swinging course, before arriving before a museum. “Step aside, citizen!” he said brightly, doing a rather teenage imitation of Tony Stark/the Iron man because, well, Spider-Man was a teenager. “Spider-Man is on the case!”

“How nice,” commented a young woman, slightly older than Spider-Man, dressed in a purple body suit and armed with a bow. “Kid, you must make Halloween very exciting for your family. Now scram!”

“Excuse me?” Spider-Man did not bother to hide his indignation. “Scram? What kind of language is that? In addition, who are you, anyhow? With that bow you look like some Hawkeye rip-off-“

“Rip-off? Rip-off? I will show you a rip-off! My name is Lady Hawkeye, Junior, and I’m going to rip you a new one off on you!”

“Uh,” Spider-Man leapt onto a nearby wall. “You’re not the one behind the robbery, are you?”

“No! I’m here to stop it, so step aside, Junior, and let the big kids do all the work!” Lady Hawkeye exclaimed haughtily and went forth into the museum to stop the villains, (or the robbers, or the criminals, or whoever they were, de-facto and de-jure). Spider-Man, already smarting in regards to the entire ‘junior’ regard, determinedly followed her.

/ / /

Inside of the museum, everything was a mess. “I wonder what the muses would think of it,” Spider-Man muttered, seeing how he was on an educational kick lately, having spent time on the other side, (or some other side) alongside Dr. Strange, who did his best to educate the younger superhero…just because. He was a real doctor and a genius, you know! (Unlike Tony Stark, who was just a genius, but who also always wanted to educate young Peter too. Peter hated it, honest).

“Aha,” Lady Hawkeye pointedly ignored her new companion, as she did her best to look like a professional detective, (cough Jessica Jones cough), and looked around for clues too. “Any ideas as to what was stolen?”

“Just some historical pieces that are important to Quantum-Hank – I meat Dr. Pym,” Scott Lang the Ant-Man commented as he grew back to his regular size, startling the other two. “Hey, kid. What’s up?”

“Well, I’m back from whenever Thanos had put us with his finger snap,” Peter, or rather – Spider-Man, commented cheerfully. “So, are we back on the same side or what?”

“Eh, you see the Iron Man or Captain America anywhere?” Ant-Man shrugged. “Until they get back and get that entire Cap vs. Tony fight back underway, we won’t. Deal?”

“Amen brother Ant!” Spider-Man said cheerfully – he was never a fan of the entire Civil War situation anyhow. “High five?”

“Got you covered!” 

“Ugh!” Lady Hawkeye grimaced, sounding exasperated, and in a very feminine manner too. “Boys! If you two are done congratulating each other,” the two male superheroes did their best to pretend that they didn’t carried away with their high-five routine, (which they totally did – from a simple high five it became considerably more complex, and)-

“Sorry,” Scott and Peter said sheepishly. “So, have you found any villains here yet?”

“Yes, there’s one over there,” Lady Hawkeye pointed in a direction, where some mysterious character, dressed in a mask – a generic bank robber mask – and a matching suit, complete with gloves. Despite being sombre and dowdy, somehow the character in question still made it look good, even stylish, and also, rather well, feminine, even from the back, (cough).

There was a pause as the three superheroes recovered their bearings and not, you know, checked out the behind in question. (Cough). 

“Oi!” Lady Hawkeye broke the silence first. “Can you face us? Your backside is doing bad things for the Junior, here!”

“Hey! My name is not Junior! It’s Spider-Man!” the superhero in question yelled back. 

The villain/robber/criminal/etc. in question turned around and crossed her arms, (probably hers, like 90% sure that the person in question was a woman) across her chest.

“..Anyways,” Lady Hawkeye continued, aware that between Spider-Man’s amateur dramatics and Ant-Man’s… well, whatever, she was the mature one here, and that was not good. “How’d you think you get away with this? You got super powers or something?”

“No,” came the reply via a voice synthesizer. “I got a dinosaur!” This was followed by a gesture. The three superheroes took a look, and sure enough, a dinosaur stood in the corner – a big one, (just not too big as to not to fit into the building), blocky and powerful and mean, complete with a couple of diabolical horns jutting off to the side, and not obscuring the dinosaur’s line of sight.

“Whoa! It’s a – a Carnotaurus! I never thought that I’ll see a live one ever!” Spider-Man whispered excitedly. (Yes, he was a dinosaur buff. He was also a teenager. Is it so surprising?)

The dinosaur opened its mouth and roared. It was a very impressive roar.

“Hey! Pick on someone your own size!” Ant-Man snapped as he used his own powers to grow to the dinosaur’s size, (if not a bit bigger). The result was surprising, as the dinosaur stopped being aggressive, and became genuinely curious in the size-changing superhero.

“Uh, what is he doing?” Ant-Man asked nervously, as the dinosaur began to do some sort of a crazy dance, rather bird-like, but regardless-

“Uh, what are his powers?” the dinosaur’s owner ignored Ant-Man but asked Lady Hawkeye, (and Spider-Man, probably), instead.

“Mostly size-related, I think,” Spider-Man answered instead. “Why?”

“Because of the obvious. The dinosaur is interested in him…in a sexual way…”

“Run!” Spider-Man and Lady Hawkeye instinctively reacted to that statement…as did Ant-Man himself – he ran. Without changing his size. Through the museum wall. And beyond.

The dinosaur gave chase, in a very Pepe-Le-Pew style. 

“Right,” its’ owner spoke to the other two people still present on the scene. “I think I know how to cool the dinosaur off, but for that, we’ll need to build a dinosaur-sized enema.”

Lady Hawkeye walked over to one of the remaining walls and hit it with her head. The wall cracked, but held.

“…Right,” the archer-woman said, after eyeing the crack, (with the other two people staying perfectly silent). “I meant to do that. Now, what were you saying about the dinosaur?”

Things got very busy after that.

/ / /

After one action-filled chase later, when Ant-Man was saved from a fate worse than death, literally, he was very thankful to his saviors, (seriously, his superhero career was just going somewhat weirdly, here), but…

“We’re still going to arrest you,” he told the dino-owner, trying to sound stern here, (which, considering that not so long ago he ran around the city, shrieking like a giant-sized girl, with the dinosaur at his heels, making its’ own weird noises, wasn’t very good, admittedly). “Because of the robbery-“

“Eh, I left all the loot back at the museum, so technically nothing got stolen, at least not by us,” the latter replied calmly. “Thus, you went to all that trouble for nothing, Mr. Ant.”

“I hate you, and my name isn’t Mr. Ant. It’s Ant-Man,” Scott said crossly. “You don’t call Stark Mr. Iron, now do you?”

“Actually!” Peter Parker/Spider-Man piped with a very untimely sense of time. “He was. See?” He accesses his personal Stark-related database, (he still wore his more usual suit, but with some of Tony’s tech that allowed him to access the Internet and the like), and showed a number of old newspaper and magazine titles as well as other pieces of old information that showed that Tony Stark was associated with the ferruginous metal in question and known as Mr. Iron for certain reasons that were associated with the certain body parts of his.

“That’s nice,” Scott said bitterly. “I got dinosaurs and things, and he’s known as Mr. Iron. What else he was known as?”

Apparently as Mr. Ass, (and we are not talking about animals here), and Mr. Iron Ass, (see above), and Mr. Perfect Ass, and so on.

“Oh Lord, kid!” the dino’s owner had enough at that point. “Do your parents know that you use the Internet to score some hardcore porn?”

“It’s not porn!” Spider-Man snapped, turning red, (but because he was still wearing his mask, you could not tell). “It really isn’t.”

“Aha,” said the Wasp, as she finally flew over to the other people. “Sure. Let’s go over to the Avengers’ HQ and give Mr. Stark a proper talk.”

“Fine, but after that, I want to talk to your father about ants, and my ant-related powers,” Scott muttered. 

“He already knows,” the Wasp sounded sheepish. “See, he and mom got involved with the bullet ants lately and it could’ve gotten out of hand-“

“You think? I had a dinosaur in love with me because of that! We’re working with quantum here, not ants!” Scott snapped. “Never mind. Spider-Man let us go. We and the Iron Arse over there at your HQ have a few things to talk about concerning your parents.”

“Don’t have any, am raised by my aunt,” Spider-Man muttered, then as the older superheroes gave him a look, he gulped and added. “Oops?”

“Let’s just go, kid,” Ant-Man shook his head, thinking of his own daughter. “You got any influence over the spiders, period?”

“…No.”

“Okay, we can work with that. Ladies, it’s been nice meeting you, Ant-Man, let’s go!”

And they left, with Ant-Man going all giant to talk to Tony Stark.

“And that is our cue to leave,” the dino-owner told Lady Hawkeye, as she pulled out a glowing chip of some sort, made either from wood or from paper or from something else. She walked over to the nearest door, put the chip into the keyhole – the entire doorway lit-up – and opened the door. She – with a 90% probability that this was a ‘she’, rather than a ‘he’ – and the dinosaur walked through it and vanished.

“Oh,” Lady Hawkeye, (also known as Kate Bishop) spoke to no one in particular. “This is how it goes. The glorious life of a hero.” She went back to her own home, (far less glamourly than how the other heroes involved in today’s affairs did), petted her dog that was waiting for her and had a good old-fashioned cry.

The End?


End file.
